


Sweet Sanctuary

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8784226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A vignette of sorts and slightly fluffy Post Endgame fixer upper. Kathryn is visiting Chakotay’s house for dinner and has a moment of revelation.





	

Nestled into the soft cushions of the couch, Kathryn took a deep breath and, for one indulgent moment, let her eyes drift shut. Slowly opening them again, she sighed as her gaze came to rest on the man across the room. Chakotay was busy in the kitchen preparing their evening meal.

The longstanding tradition of their weekly dinners had carried over into their lives here in the Alpha Quadrant and once free of the constraints of command, she had become a frequent dinner guest at his delightful home in the hills outside San Francisco. In fact, these visits were the highlight of Kathryn’s week.

Her eyes followed him and even though she already knew the answer to her question, she still felt compelled to ask, “Are you sure I can’t do anything to help?”

A raised eyebrow and dubious look were her only answer and Kathryn chuckled quietly as she raised her glass in a playful toast. “Fine, if you insist. I’m more than happy to sit back like Lady Muck and be waited on.”

His face broke into a broad grin. “It’s about time you did as you were told.” And with a wink, he nodded towards her glass. “Do you need a refill?”

Kathryn shook her head. “Not yet.”

“Let me know when you do.”

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

He huffed a quiet laugh and rolled his eyes before turning away to check something on the cook top.

His back was to her now but she could still hear him humming while he tended to the bubbling concoctions on the stove and she marvelled at the unhurried ease with which he went about – in her eyes – the onerous chore of cooking.

Her heart was full and while heaving a contented sigh, she smiled to herself, silently giving thanks for the simple things in life.

The quiet clatter of pots and pans, the occasional billow of steam and the delightful warmth that radiated from her host and her surroundings were a balm to her jangled nerves.

He turned and smiled, his eyes briefly meeting hers.

Kathryn returned the smile, blinked slowly and then breathed a quiet sigh. They didn’t seem to need words; their long established ability to communicate with a mere glance was still reassuringly intact. Theirs was a profound friendship; steeped in the shared wonder and terror of seven years spent side by side commanding Voyager. That their friendship had stood the shock of transplantation to the Alpha Quadrant was immensely satisfying and a testament to the depth of their connection.

Chakotay’s home exuded such a soothing aura of tranquillity and welcome and for Kathryn it was a luxury to be here, to just sit and relax after the hustle and bustle of the day. She felt more at home here than anywhere else she could think of and over the last few months, it had become more familiar to her than her own apartment.

Reluctantly, she dragged her eyes away from Chakotay and let her gaze drift around the room.

Scented oil lamps flickered from alcoves set into the stone walls, their small but steady flames bathing the space in a warm golden glow. In the centre of the room, on the roughly hewn dining table, a simple candelabrum lit a setting for two.

Enveloped in the comfort of these familiar surroundings, Kathryn sank further into the overstuffed cushions and, cradling her glass in her hands, focussed on the soft strains of acoustic guitar music playing in the background.

The delicious aroma of food wafted from the kitchen, tempting her with the promise of a delectable meal and as she took a sip of the rich cabernet, she felt the alcohol seep slowly into her veins, warming her from the inside.

She’d been looking forward to this moment all day and with her eyes following Chakotay as he moved about the room, the tensions wrought from her frantic day at Headquarters slowly ebbed and a wonderful feeling of calm pervaded her senses.

Her face softened and she smiled.

Chakotay must have felt her gaze because at that same moment, he looked up and his eyes met hers. They crinkled at the corners as his mouth broadened into a heart-stopping smile. The connection between them snapped into place and Kathryn was surprised that he didn’t jolt at the sound. His openly affectionate look warmed her heart; it was as though he knew exactly what she was thinking and how she felt.

In that instant, a tidal wave of comprehension struck Kathryn and had she not been sitting down, the earth-shaking realisation would have knocked her off her feet.

Oblivious to her epiphany, Chakotay turned away to continue organising their meal but for Kathryn, the awakening had come as a lightning bolt out of the blue, leaving her quaking under the avalanche of sweet surprise.

It was all so blindingly obvious and ridiculously simple that she couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to recognise it.

Her heart filled to bursting.

_He_ was her peace – the missing part of her that she’d been searching for, for so long.

Eyes bright with astonishment, Kathryn watched his steady and unhurried movements; the solid strength of her once-angry warrior at odds with his tenderness. Despite this incongruity, he had become her island of calm in this hectic and crazy sea of existence. He made her life exceptional in ways that she hadn’t recognised or appreciated until this moment. Put simply, he made her world a better place. His composure and almost serene acceptance of life’s twists and turns kept the frantic and frenzied pace of her world at bay. He was her refuge and her sanctuary.

What astounded her was that it had been like this for years but she hadn’t recognised it until now.

In the Delta Quadrant, due to their circumstances, there’d been neither the time nor the inclination to explore the nature of their relationship. But now things were different.

Perhaps it was the stark contrast between her job and his quiet existence that had thrown the bright light of awareness onto this moment; or maybe it was merely the juxtaposition of the frenetic world outside with the tranquillity within these sheltered walls.

But whatever the reason, it was time to bring an end to this impasse and take the next step forward.

What was glaringly apparent was that she needed him and telling him of these revelations was her only option. It was now just a matter of how and when.

* * *

Her day had been hellish. She’d spent the morning stuck in a meeting with several of her Admiralty peers, listening to them pontificate and preach at each other about issues of little or no importance. The entire process had been an utter waste of time, eventually deteriorating into nothing more than a pissing contest amongst a group of overweight and underachieving poseurs. She’d sat there with her arms crossed, a spectator to their buffoonery and, amid the melee, was left to wonder what the hell she was doing there.

Once the meeting was over, she’d been pressed into attending a luncheon hosted by the Federation President where she was introduced to a multitude of smiling, cloying, and ultimately forgettable hangers-on. She’d been passed from pillar to post before being paraded through a crowd of holo-imagers and paparazzi. Obnoxious reporters yelled for her attention, jostling and manhandling her as they thrust recording devices millimetres from her face to demand answers to questions that she either couldn’t or wasn’t allowed to give.

After escaping that fracas, she’d returned to Headquarters, but her afternoon had been no better than her morning. Tied to her desk, she’d spent several hours rubber-stamping banal requests from a herd of Federation bureaucrats. It was merely busy-work; compiled by an even more incompetent herd of bureaucrats in order to keep her occupied and out of the way of the real movers and shakers – a fact that frustrated her enormously.

For the last hour of her day, she’d endured a ‘lecture’ from Admiral Borchevsky on the evils of Risan package holidays. She still wasn’t sure if he was trying to proposition her or put her off sex for the rest of her life.

All in all, it made a day in the Delta Quadrant seem like a vacation.

To step across the threshold of Chakotay’s home into the serene comfort of his living room was succour for her frayed nerves. Harassed and harangued, she’d come directly from her office without returning to her apartment to change out of her uniform. She’d wanted to get here as quickly as possible but regretted her impatience now – the harsh grey lines of her Admiral’s kit seemed out of place amidst all of this tranquillity. The last thing she wanted was to be reminded of her job – or Starfleet’s excuse for one – and the fact that her Alpha Quadrant life was light years from what she’d imagined it would be.

Before she could analyse her reasoning too closely, she called towards the kitchen. “Chakotay?”

He looked up. “Hmmm?”

“Would you mind if I borrowed some clothes? I had planned to head home and change after work but ran out of time. Do you have something that I could throw on?”

For a moment he seemed puzzled, but then shrugged. “Yeah, sure; I should be able to find you something as long as you’re not looking for anything fashionable. But if you want to, you can replicate something.” He gestured towards the console. “My replicator is your replicator.”

Shaking her head, she placed her wine on the side table and pivoted to her feet. “God, I hope it’s not. I swear mine’s related to the one on Voyager and it’s out to get me. Thanks for the offer but as long as you don’t mind lending me something, I’ll give the replicator a pass. And I really don’t care what it is; anything’s better than this.” She tugged at the stiff grey collar of her jacket as she followed him to his bedroom and waited in the doorway while he rummaged through his chest of drawers trying to find her something.

Kathryn understood Chakotay’s confusion; her request had come straight from left field – unusual even for her. She couldn’t explain why all of a sudden it was so important that she wear something of his. All she knew was that she needed to be near him and the idea of his clothes next to her skin was so wonderfully comforting. The mere thought sent a warm wave of delight straight to her middle.

Oblivious to her mental meanderings, Chakotay turned back towards her with a t-shirt in one hand and a pair of cotton drawstring pants in the other. “Will these do?”

She nodded. “Perfect.”

He pointed towards the bathroom. “If you want to have a quick shower, dinner is still a few minutes away. Towels are in the cabinet and the refresher is on.”

She grabbed the garments and with a beaming smile, pecked him on the cheek. “Thank you. You’re a lifesaver. I won’t be long.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Kathryn caught his startled look as she stepped into the bathroom. Once on the other side of the closed door, she had to stop and wonder at what she was doing. She’d never kissed him before – not even an innocuous peck on the cheek – but tonight, for some reason, it seemed appropriate.

The mellow lighting, the soft music and the comfortable familiarity of old friends had created a relaxed and companionable ambience.

_Ambience?!_

She stifled an incredulous snort.

What it created was the perfect setting for seduction and it suddenly occurred to Kathryn that perhaps that had been Chakotay’s intention. However, a millisecond later, she abandoned the thought.

His surprised look when she’d kissed his cheek was enough to prove that seduction, sadly, was the last thing on his mind. He probably lit candles for all comers and she wondered briefly if he’d had them for Seven when they were a couple, but quickly quashed the thought; that was a scenario that she didn’t want to envisage.

If she were a better person, she would simply be grateful that their friendship had been strong enough to survive that liaison and the subsequent break up.

She was lucky in so many ways and it was just typical of her to be dissatisfied with her lot.

The muffled clink of cutlery was a timely reminder that dinner was almost ready, so she undressed, threw her underwear into the refresher, quickly showered and then donned Chakotay’s oversized clothes. As she rolled up the cuffs on the pants and sleeves, Kathryn again wondered what in God’s name she was doing.

But after judiciously ignoring the question, she swept her hair away from her face and padded back out to the living area. “That smells delicious.”

Chakotay looked up and smiled, “Perfect timing,” then chuckled as he gave her a quick once over. “It suits you.”

“Oh, dressing down I can do. I’m a big fan of ‘comfortable’.”

“Well, in that case, grab your plate and we’ll eat in the living room.”

“But you’ve gone to so much trouble with the table.”

He shrugged. “Not so much, and it’ll only take a minute to move things.”

As if to prove his point, he scooped up the cutlery, napkins and breadbasket, grabbed the candle and, with a flourish, set them on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Kathryn grinned and nodded her approval before picking up both their meals as her contribution to the change of venue.

She flashed Chakotay a bright smile. “I’m famished.”

“Good, because there is enough for seconds, thirds and possibly fourths, in case you’re really ravenous.”

“It sounds as though I’ll be glad to have this drawstring waist. Although, my excuse for gluttony is that this is dinner _and_ lunch.”

“I thought you were out for lunch today?”

“I was, but I can’t eat at those Starfleet PR functions.”

Chakotay frowned. “Why not? Wasn’t today’s reception at the Palace Hotel? They serve beautiful food, or they did the last time I was there.”

“I’m sure they do but because I’m the main sideshow attraction, the instant I take a mouthful, someone inevitably asks me a question. So, to answer, I finish up either chewing at warp speed, giving myself indigestion or I have to try to talk without showering the other person with food.” She sat down and picked up her fork. “You can see my dilemma.”

“I can, and I promise to wait until you’ve had a couple of hearty mouthfuls before I ply you with questions.”

With a lopsided grin, she muttered, “You’re so thoughtful.” And with that, Kathryn rested her plate on her knees and took a bite of the vegetable curry and its accompaniments.

Making ‘mmming’ noises, she used her fork to point to her plate and then gave Chakotay a thumbs-up.

Sitting beside her, also with his plate on his lap, he grinned at her gestures. “Now there’s the answer to your problem. You could learn sign language and then gobble and chomp through those lunches without ever having to worry about food shrapnel or heartburn.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes and after a delicate press of her napkin to her lips, she gave him a peeved look. “Oh, you’re a great help.”

Chakotay chuckled and then reached over to wipe a spot of sauce from her chin that she’d missed with her napkin. With a beaming smile, he absentmindedly sucked the sauce from his thumb as he nodded towards her and teased, “That’s the real reason you don’t eat at those functions, isn’t it? You’re a grub.”

Eyes wide, Kathryn blinked a couple of times but couldn’t think of anything to say. His touch had been totally unexpected and the unintended intimacy took her breath away.

Oblivious to her reaction, Chakotay was concentrating on his meal, but her prolonged silence prompted him to look up. Seeing her expression, he frowned and placed his plate on the table as he shuffled forward. “Hey, I’m sorry. I was only joking; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Finding her voice, she gave a weak smile before reassuring him. “Oh, I’m not upset, not at all; I’m just…” Her brain chose that moment to freeze and all she could do was try to deflect a torrent of inwardly aimed expletives.

Chakotay’s frown deepened. “Are you all right, Kathryn?” He reached over and took her plate away before clasping her hands between his. “You look pale. It must have been a hell of a day. I’ll get you some water.”

He moved to stand but Kathryn gripped his forearm tightly to stop him from leaving. “I don’t need any water. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Is there anything I can do?”

She met his sympathetic gaze and in that instant, she knew what she had to do. Once and for all, she needed to know where they stood and what his feelings were. She’d been pussyfooting around this issue for years and the time had come to ask the tough questions and deal with the answers, whatever they might be.

Taking a deep breath, she met his gaze squarely. “Will you answer a question for me?”

Chakotay nodded, his look shadowed with concern. “Of course. You know you can ask me anything.”

“Okay.” She took another loin-girding breath only to be confounded by a new obstacle.

She had his undivided attention but now couldn’t find the right words to coin her question. More than a little rattled, she went with the first thing that came to mind.

Fortunately, it was to the point – or so she thought. “How do you feel about me, Chakotay?”

He seemed genuinely puzzled by the question. “Right now?”

It was her turn to look baffled. “I suppose so.”

“Well, _right now_ I’m concerned about you.”

Kathryn pursed her lips in frustration. That wasn’t quite the answer she was looking for so she tried a different tack. “Okay, forget about _‘right now’_. Think back – if you can. How _did_ you used to feel about me?”

She watched in agonising silence as Chakotay tried to formulate an answer. He was taking far too long, so, before he said something that destroyed her few remaining cherished hopes, she smiled and gave his arm a comradely pat. “Don’t worry about it, Chakotay. It was a stupid question and I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that.”

She picked up her plate again, ate a small mouthful of curry and tried to force it past the lump in her throat. Ignoring the ache in her chest and without meeting his eyes, she commented cheerily. “This really is delicious. Aromatic and spicy without being too hot. It’s lovely. You’re a wonderful cook, Chakotay.”

“Please don’t change the subject, Kathryn. I’d like to talk about this… about us.”

God, why had she brought up the issue? “No, truly. We don’t have to. I don’t know why I mentioned it.” Her comment was accompanied by a breathy chuckle but even she could hear how strained and falsely jovial it sounded. It took all her willpower not to openly cringe. “It’s been a long day and I’m a little frazzled. I’ll just wolf this down and head home.”

“Kathryn.” It was barely a whisper but she could hear the concern in his voice and feel the waves of empathy flowing from him.

She couldn’t speak. The look on his face was classic Chakotay – kind eyes filled with concern and gentle affection, paired with an accompanying sympathetic smile.

No doubt, he thought she was crazy but it was so tempting to tell him everything – all of her dreams and recent revelations. She knew, though, if she opened her mouth, things would be said that couldn’t be taken back and those precious words that had lived inside her for all these years would tumble headlong into the real world and change it forever. As much as she wanted to know how he felt and in turn tell him of her feelings, she wasn’t brave enough to do so and risk losing his friendship.

She hated herself for being a coward.

Lowering her gaze, she began to poke and prod at her food. Her appetite, along with her courage, had deserted her and she was desperately trying to think of a way to leave without offending him or looking more foolish than she already did.

She was about to excuse herself when he suddenly lifted her plate away from her again and in one fluid movement, cupped her face between his hands and pressed his lips to hers.

Kathryn was stunned. But after several heartbeats, he pulled away and casually reached for a piece of bread. As he tore off a small piece and popped it in his mouth, he raised an eyebrow and smiled. “ _That’s_ how I felt about you.”

Kathryn nodded slowly. “I see.” Then she also reached for some bread – she couldn’t think of anything else to do – but his statement begged the question, “Without making this seem like an interrogation, can I ask how you feel about me _now_?”

His brow knitted in a look of amused puzzlement. “You have to ask?”

Her questioning gaze didn’t waver and his eyes flashed with concern.

“Kathryn, I’ve never known you to be this tentative. Where’s that all-phasers-blazing, take-no-prisoners Janeway that we all know?”

That was easy enough for her to answer. “She had the stuffing knocked out of her by someone she cared for deeply, who fell in love with someone else. And although it wasn’t entirely unexpected, it’s not easy to reconcile the disappointment and it does tend to chip away at one’s confidence.”

The amusement faded from his eyes and he appeared stricken. “I’m responsible for this? Kathryn, I’m sor….”

She interrupted him. He looked so anguished that she couldn’t bear to let him think that it was his fault. He wasn’t responsible. It was her problem, not his. “Please don’t apologise, Chakotay. It wasn’t your fault. I had plenty of opportunities to change the nature of our relationship or at the very least, to tell you how I felt. The responsibility for not doing so rests solely at my door, but thank you for showing me that you once cared. I’m glad that I hadn’t imagined it.” Kathryn smiled warmly and held out her hand. “I hope that this won’t damage our friendship. I would hate things to become awkward between us.”

He stared at her outstretched hand and huffed in disbelief. “Have things ever been anything other than awkward between us, Kathryn? Really, just think about it.”

She frowned, now worried that she’d ruined everything, although she hadn’t even begun to prise the lid off the Pandora’s box of her current feelings. “You’re probably right and I apologise. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll go.”

She made a move to stand but, as she’d done earlier, Chakotay grabbed her arm and refused to let go. “What? Hold on a minute, we’re not through yet.”

“I think we’ve said enough and I have a feeling that if we keep going, this won’t end well.” It was more than a feeling. Kathryn was certain that this conversation was destined to end in disaster.

Chakotay took both her hands in his, forcing her to meet his gaze. “If it ended with breakfast, would that be such a bad thing?”

Kathryn’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. He’d never been so bold, but then again she’d never breached the boundaries of their friendship or kissed him before. She supposed he had every right to challenge her.

“Breakfast?! Are you propositioning me?”

Chakotay lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. “Not exactly; I’m asking you to stay…” He leaned a little closer – near enough that Kathryn could see the hazel flecks in his dark eyes. “…and not just for tonight.”

Kathryn was having trouble wrapping her head around his exact meaning and was ever grateful for his next words.

“Kathryn, I love you and have loved you for so long now that it’s hard to remember a time when I didn’t.”

She nodded slowly but the spectre of Seven hovered before her. She was saved from the indignity of asking when he pre-empted her question.

“Seven? I know… I’m sorry. I’m at a loss to explain what happened. It was a mistake, a very foolish one.”

“No argument here.”

His mouth twisted into a wry grin. “I figured, but we mere mortals have been known to make the odd mistake.” He looked at her pointedly before he continued. “What happened between Seven and me was wrong and if I could make it go away, I would. I think, however, that _we,”_ he gave her hands another squeeze, “are strong enough to move past it; we’ve dealt with worse things during our time together. I would like to think that you could forgive me.”

He was right, of course. They’d both had their moments over the years and she for one, had made some monumental blunders. “There’s nothing to forgive, Chakotay. I had no hold over you and you owed me nothing. You were free to be with whomever you wanted.”

Chakotay shrugged. “Maybe, but there were promises made, perhaps unspoken ones and despite what happened, my feelings for you have never changed. I don’t think yours have either. I love you, Kathryn.” He smiled but there was a flash of uncertainty in his eyes. “Do you still love me?”

“Yes.” There was barely a heartbeat between his question and her answer.

“Good, that’s settled then.” He let go of her hands, picked up her plate and placed it back on her lap. “Eat up, we’ve got a lot to get organised.”

More than a little stunned, Kathryn picked up her fork but after eating in silence for a few minutes, looked up at him with a puzzled frown. “Chakotay?”

“Hmmm.” His mouth was full.

“I’m not usually this dense but I just want to get things straight. We – as in you and I – are going to be living together from now on.”

He nodded as he chewed and held up a finger for her to wait until he’d swallowed.

“As a couple?”

He grinned, “That’s the general idea.”

Kathryn smiled slowly and nodded. “I thought so.”

He gestured to the room. “We can live here, at your apartment or we can find a new place all our own. Whatever you’d like to do.”

“Here would be perfect. There’s nothing tying me to my Starfleet quarters – the sooner I’m out of there the better – and I love it here.”

“I’m glad.”

She met his eyes and smiled. “In a way, this house – your home – is what prompted me to step off the precipice and ask about your feelings.” Kathryn put down her knife and fork so that she could explain about her epiphany. “I realised, as I sat here earlier, watching you in the kitchen and listening to you hum as you cooked, that _this_ is where I feel most at home. As strange as it sounds, if I can come home to you, I can bear the days filled with pompous admirals and meaningless paper pushing. To steal a line from a story someone once told me…” Her eyes flashed delightedly. “… you have taught me the true meaning of peace and it’s something that has been missing from my life for so long that I can’t tell you what it means to find it again.” She reached over and rested her palm against Chakotay’s cheek. “You are so very dear to me.”

Chakotay laid his hand over hers and then turned slightly to kiss her palm. “And you to me.”

This time it was Kathryn who initiated the kiss. Leaning forward, her lips were almost on his when her plate began to slip from her lap.

“Damn!” She jolted backwards, grabbing the errant plate then plonked it on the table. “That was close.”

Looking up, she was met by his laughing eyes. “Yes, it was. Do you want to try for a home run this time?”

“A home run?” She chuckled and shook her head. “You and twentieth century colloquialisms are an odd combination, you know.”

“Blame, Paris. He’s a font of the damned things and since we’ve been home, he’s gotten worse.”

Kathryn inched towards Chakotay. “Let’s not talk about Tom.”

“Brilliant idea.”

She slid seamlessly into his arms and their mouths met in a kiss that made her toes curl and her knees weak. She sighed and felt his mouth pull into a smile just before his lips slid away from hers.

His whiskered cheek rasped against hers as he whispered in her ear. “So you’ll stay?”

She nodded and smiled happily. “You’ll need a plasma torch and sonic crowbar to get me out of here now.”

“So that’s a ‘yes,’ then?”

“Most wholeheartedly.”

“Let’s leave the cleaning up until the morning, shall we?”

“Let’s.”

With a tug of her hand, Chakotay pulled Kathryn to her feet and then scooping her into his arms, carried her to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him.

The sound of that slamming door was music to Kathryn’s ears and as she shimmied out of Chakotay’s drawstring pants and t-shirt, she thanked the stars and the fates for smiling down on her one last time.

_Fin_


End file.
